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HOW FAMILY STORIES CAN STRENGTHEN AND UNITE© 2017 LNWM | 801 SECOND AVENUE | SUITE 1600 | SEATTLE WA 98104 | 206.464.5100 | W W W.LAIRDNORTONWM.COMHow do you unite your family in a way that strengthens everyone – young and old – and allows for the responsible passing on of family assets, including wealth? There is no one answer. What we do know is that communication is key. In particular, the telling of family stories can have surprisingly positive effects on those who tell and those who listen, according to Marshall Duke, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Emory University for more than 30 years.Why are family stories so powerful, and what’s the best way to pass them on? In the Q&A below, Dr. Duke offers insights from his research.Marshall, what does your research indicate about family narratives?MD:Our research shows that children who know a lot about their family tend to be more resilient: higher levels of self-esteem, more self-control, better family functioning, lower levels of anxiety, fewer behavioral problems, and better chances for good outcomes when faced with challenges.Why is that? Part of it is that family stories help children frame the question: “Do I come from the kind of family who would do X,Y or Z?” The X, Y or Z can be good, like helping someone in need, or bad like using drugs. This context goes with the child even when the family is not there. So this is very powerful. Through family stories, children develop a sense of what we call the “multi-generational self,” and the personal strength and moral guidance that comes with that. When something challenging happens, they can call on that expanded sense of self to pull through.In your research, you used 20 questions to gauge how much children already know about their families (see boxes on pages 3 and 4). Can people use this "Do You Know" scale to guide their storytelling?MD: These are good things to know. But you cannot take this list, make sure the kids know all the answers, and you’re done. Storytelling is a process. It comes out of time spent together, with certain people doing the telling and other people doing the listening.What kind of family stories should be told to children?MD: Variety is good. Especially powerful are stories about a family’s specific successes and struggles, and how the family bounced back from challenging times. This helps the younger generations see that they, too, can overcome adversity. MARSHALL P. DUKE, PH.D.is professor of psychology at Emory University. He has authored more than 100 research articles and seven books, with a focus on families and other social learning networks.AN INTERVIEW WITH MARSHALL P. DUKE, PH.D.
HOW FAMILY STORIES CAN STRENGTHEN AND UNITE© 2017 LNWM | 801 SECOND AVENUE | SUITE 1600 | SEATTLE WA 98104 | 206.464.5100 | W W W.LAIRDNORTONWM.COM2We have found that many family stories revolve around seven basic plots (see box at right). I feel strongly that it would be worthwhile for families to reach back into their individual and collective memories to retrieve stories of all seven kinds to pass on to the children. I would never say tell the kids everything. You must be able to frame the story positively and judge that your listener is able to absorb the story. There are some family stories that are not transmitted beyond one generation. Or do not get divulged until the children are 25, or even 40 or 50. But I also know that if kids learn about difficult things, hard things that do not have a good outcome, what they learn is that we can live with that. And that’s a good thing. When should families tell stories?MD: It’s going to vary from family to family, but usually what we call the family’s Prime Time. If not dinner, then breakfast. It could be in a car, on a trip. The biggest opportunities are special events like the holidays, birthdays, family reunions, where extended family is together and not getting pulled away by various things. What if the older generations do not like to tell stories. How do you encourage them?MD: It’s really important for grandparents, as well as parents and others, to realize that telling stories is life-affirming. So there’s mutual benefit here. It’s not all a one-way.Very often, as grandparents get older, they’re more willing to talk about what happened to them. Parents should realize it’s more powerful if the grandchildren ask; they’re less likely to get turned down. I would also encourage giving the grandparents a notebook or something they can fill out, when they choose. There’s actually a family who came up with sample notebooks called GrandStories. Unlike emails and even video, written material is something that people tend to hold on to. A genealogy service like Ancestry.com can provide a starting point, as well. Usually one or two people in the family get hooked on researching and finding things to bring to family gatherings. A marriage certificate, the address of the great grandparents in Chicago, the first place they lived in Seattle. All sorts of stories can come out of that, as you go find the place on Google earth or even drive by. Who should tell family stories? MD:I’d say all the adults in the family should get into storytelling in whatever way they can. For two reasons. First is that everybody has stories that other people don’t have. And second, people tend to have different versions of the same story. Grandma might say this was a terrible thing that happened but dad might think it wasn’t so bad. This sort of thing teaches kids perspective. Seven Types ofFamily StoriesOvercoming the monster – living through natural disasters, discrimination, war, etc.Quests – leaving your comfort zone in search of somethingVoyage and return – returning to normal life after being terribly hurt or injuredRags to riches, riches to rags – Financial successes, financial failuresTragedies – terrible things that happen in every family, with no upsideComedies – stories that make you laugh (misunderstandings, coincidences, etc.)Rebirth – big emotional and/or mental struggles that lead to new take on life 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.AN INTERVIEW WITH MARSHALL P. DUKE, PH.D.
HOW FAMILY STORIES CAN STRENGTHEN AND UNITE© 2017 LNWM | 801 SECOND AVENUE | SUITE 1600 | SEATTLE WA 98104 | 206.464.5100 | W W W.LAIRDNORTONWM.COM3Our research shows that grandmothers actually do much of the storytelling. But let’s face it. Grandfathers, uncles, cousins are just as good. It’s not any more potent to learn a story from your grandmother than other close relatives.Be mindful that when you tell a story, you’re always choosing to add value by simply selecting the story to tell, and also how you frame it. Two families may have gone on the exact same vacation. One can come back saying it was horrendous – bad flight, terrible hotel, etc. – while the other thinks all that was a great adventure. How can families start telling stories if they haven’t already?MD: Consider using an event when the extended family gets together, like Thanksgiving, to say something like: “You know how we have turkey and cranberry sauce every year? Here’s another tradition: we’re going to tell family stories.”Be sure to ask the kids, if they are old enough, what they’d like to know. Very often kids don’t ask questions, either because they don’t understand the information could be important to them. Or because they don’t want to place mom, dad, grandma or grandpa into uncomfortable situations. Do not mind if the kids roll their eyes at this. Just have them sit down and listen. If you do 30 minutes a day over Thanksgiving vacation, that’s a lot of time. And do as little moralizing as possible. If someone is resilient in a story, the kids will know that. If good values are applied, they will know that. Kids are entertained by stories they might read or see on TV. But when they hear stories about what happened to people in their family, they are strengthened.What if grandparents and relatives live far away?MD: There are now quite a few digital ways to see each other and talk, like on Skype or FaceTime. This can happen as often as people want, and it’s up to the parents to set it up. The grandparent can even say: “Here’s my story for today; let me tell you about Uncle Bob...” Eventually, the kids might say, “Oh, you told me that already!” Now that should be music to the grandparents’ ears; it means they’re carrying the story. What about in situations of divorce, adoption and single-parent households?MD:Family structure does not really matter. If a child is adopted into a family, the stories in that family belong to that child just as much as a biological child. If there is a second marriage, and there are stepmothers and stepfathers, those stories belong to the children as well. It’s just a richer set of stories. The more stories the kids can have about people dealing with situations in life that are not always great, the better.The Do You Know Scale (Questions 1 - 10)Do you know...1. how your parents met?2.where your mother grew up?3. where your father grew up?4. where some of your grandparents grew up?5. where some of your grandparents met?6. where your parents were married?7. what went on when you were being born?8. the source of your name?9. some things about what happened when your brothers or sisters were being born?10. which person in your family you look most like?AN INTERVIEW WITH MARSHALL P. DUKE, PH.D.
HOW FAMILY STORIES CAN STRENGTHEN AND UNITE© 2017 LNWM | 801 SECOND AVENUE | SUITE 1600 | SEATTLE WA 98104 | 206.464.5100 | W W W.LAIRDNORTONWM.COM4Imbalance is OK. If you look at any family, you’ll find that dad’s or mom’s side tends to predominate. I would not worry about that. In fact, we’re not linking the stories to only what this family does. Your family encompasses mom, dad, stepmom, stepdad, neighbors. It’s about learning how people close to you behave in situations that arise in life.How can families use stories to foster self-motivation and guard against entitlement?MD: Clearly, what is above and beyond storytelling is modeling the behavior. The older generation wants to remember that they’re being watched. And the kids who are watching them are learning from them. With storytelling, I think it’s very important to show the impact of actions. It’s important to show that some actions take a long time to show results – 20, 40 or even 50 years. I think of this as planting almond trees, which don’t mature for 70 or 80 years, but you plant them anyway. Then we have radishes, which I planted with my grandkids when they were very young, so we could pick them in three weeks.We should tell almond stories and radish stories. Things that will mature quickly so we can see the impact. And also some other things that take much longer.To kids in college or just starting out in life, what do you say? MD:College-age kids can absorb stories at a pretty high level and at a higher rate. I’m sure that they’ve gotten some family stories. But if they haven’t, I think they need to spend time with the grandparents. Or have things written down they can be given. It’s not too late.Kids have a responsibility TO their family. And they have a responsibility FOR their family. And the best way to understand how that responsibility applies to them is to know the story of the family, the reputation of the family and the values of the family. You can say it straight to a college kid: The Do You Know Scale (Questions 11 - 20)Do you know...11. which person in the family you act most like?12. some of the illnesses and injuries your parents experienced when they were younger?13. some of the lessons thatyour parents learned from good or bad experiences?14. some things that happened to your mom or dad when they were in school?15. the national background of your family (such as English, German, Russian, etc)16. some of the jobs that your parents had when they were young?17. some awards that your parents received when they were young?18. the names of the schools that your mom went to?19. the names of the schools that your dad went to?20. about the relative whose face “froze” in a grumpy position because he or she did not smile enough?**Substitute any family myth.“Look, ultimately this falls on you.” Someday, today’s college kids might be making life and death decisions about the parents. So as parents, we have to teach them to apply values we think are important.Is it OK to make up stories? MD: No! You can embellish, emphasize or elaborate. We all do that. But fabricating a story is not a good idea. It's dishonest and eventually you’ll get caught, especially as you get older and forget to whom you told what.AN INTERVIEW WITH MARSHALL P. DUKE, PH.D.
HOW FAMILY STORIES CAN STRENGTHEN AND UNITE© 2017 LNWM | 801 SECOND AVENUE | SUITE 1600 | SEATTLE WA 98104 | 206.464.5100 | W W W.LAIRDNORTONWM.COM5M A R S H A L L P. D U K E ,the Charles Howard Candler Professor of Psychology at Emory University, received his B.A. in general psychology from Rutgers University and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Indiana University. Following two years of service as a psychologist in the United States Army, he joined the Emory faculty in 1970. He has studied a variety of family issues, first as a member of Emory’s psychology faculty, then as a core faculty member with The Emory Center for Myth and Ritual in American Life (MARIAL). He is the author of more 100 research articles and seven books, including Helping the Child Who Doesn't Fit In and Teaching Your Child the Language of Social Success.ABOUT LAIRD NORTON WEALTH MANAGEMENTWith nearly $5 billion in assets under management, Laird Norton Wealth Management is the Northwest’s premier wealth management company. Founded in 1967 to serve the financial management needs of the Laird and Norton families, the firm now provides integrated wealth management solutions to more than 600 individuals, families, business leaders, private foundations and nonprofit organizations.DISCLOSUREThe information presented here does not constitute and should not be construed as legal advice, as an endorsement of any party or any investment product or service, or as an offer to buy or sell any investment product or service. The views and solutions described may not be suitable for all investors. All opinions expressed are those of Laird Norton Wealth Management and are current only as of the date appearing on this material.Laird Norton Wealth Management is comprised of two distinct entities that may offer similar services to clients. Laird Norton Trust Company is a State of Washington chartered trust company. Its wholly owned subsidiary, Laird Norton Tyee Asset Strategies, LLC, is an investment advisor registered with the Securities and Exchange Commission.What else can families do foster a sense of shared identity?MD: A couple days ago, a family wrote me that they decided to create a family motto based on a talk I gave a few years back. It took a long time, but they came up with one and even had it embroidered on a patch. And their motto is ALL FORWARD. If they’re in the car and the kids are bickering, the dad says ALL FORWARD. And they stop fighting because they realize this isn’t doing us any good.Any family can do this. Everybody can come up with suggestions and you pick one to try for a month or even a year. If you like it, OK; if not tweak it. It’s a way of saying “this is who we are,” not only you but the extended family and the historical family. This can actually help children make good decisions in their lives.And it’s fun!MD: Yes, very fun. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/255713247_The_power_of_family_history
The Power of Family History
by Judy A. Rollins, PhD, RN
Yesterday we booked a beach house for our annual family vacation. For one week in August, three generations of Rollins will swim together, make sand castles and sand candles together, eat together, and-according to research, perhaps most important of all-share stories.
According to Fivush, Bohanek, and Duke (2008), regular family dinners, yearly vacations, and holiday celebrations contribute to the development of a strong sense of intergenerational self. This intergenerational self and the strength and guidance that seem to derive from it are associated with children's increased resilience, better adjustment, and improved likelihood of overcoming challenges.
It is what happens during these events that is key: family storytelling. Sharing stories-stories about parents and grandparents, triumphs and failures-provides powerful models for children. Children understand who they are in the world through both their individual experience and through the filters of family stories that provide a sense of identity through historical time (Fiviush et al., 2008; Norris, Kuiack, & Pratt, 2004; Pratt & Fiese, 2004).
Family Stories
Most family narratives take one of three shapes (M. Duke, in Feiler, 2013):
• Ascending family narrative - "Son, when we came to this country, we had nothing. Our family worked. We opened a store. Your grandfather went to high school. Your father went to college. And now you ... "
• Descending family narrative - "Sweetheart, we used to have it all. Then we lost everything."
• Oscillating family narrative - "Dear, let me tell you, we've had ups and downs in our family. We built a family business. Your grandfather was a pillar of the community. Your mother was on the board of the hospital. But we also had setbacks. You had an uncle who was once arrested. We had a house bum down. Your father lost a job. But no matter what happened, we always stuck together as a family."
The third narrative is the most healthful. Children learn that when faced with a challenge, families can just add a new chapter to their life story that shows them overcoming the hardship. Families typically have stories featuring family heroes, people who faced the worst and made it through. This sense of continuity and relatedness to heroes seems to serve the purpose in children of making them more resilient (Kurylo, n.d.).
Additionally, family stories help children by evoking pride, personal history, a sense of connectedness, and feelings of being special, even in the most ordinary family:
Ordinary families can be special because they each have a history no other family has. They all have Uncle So and So, they all have Aunt So and So. They all have a brother who went off and did this adventure, and everyone has a story that no one else has. So if you know that, it makes you special. It's a fingerprint. (M. Duke, in Kurylo, n.d.)
Most often family stories are transferred by mothers and grandmothers, typically told during family dinners, family vacations, family holidays, and the like. Stories may differ by gender; mothers tell stories about their own childhood richer in emotion and social relationships, while fathers . tell stories that are more achievement-oriented (Fivush, Duke, & Bohanek, 2010).
"Do You Know ... "
While preparing to initiate the Family Narratives Project at the Sloan Center for the Study of Myth and Ritual in American Life (MARIAL) at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia, psychologists Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush interviewed a veteran clinician with 30 years in practice. She told them, "I can tell which kids I'm working with are most likely to respond to treatment and benefit most from educational plans and adjustments. It's the ones who know about their family history" (Duke, Lazarus, & Fivush, 2008, p. 268). She routinely asks children and adolescents a few questions, such as where their parents met or what sorts of jobs their grandparents had, and has observed over the years that those who knew such information have much stronger positive prognoses and better outcomes.
To assess the efficacy of their colleague's observation, Duke and Fivush developed a more formal, quantitative measure of family knowledge - a selection of 20 questions they called the "Do You Know?" scale (Duke, Fivush, Lazarus, & Bohanek, 2003) (to see the questions, visit http:/ /www. huffingtonpost.com/marshall-pduke/the-stories-that-bind-us-b _2918 975.html). In developing the questions, the major criterion for inclusion was that the question test knowledge of things children could not possibly have learned first hand, either because they happened before the children were born or they involved family members who were less familiar to them than parents and grandparents (Duke, 2013). Thus, the children who know the information would have had to receive it from others through stories, writings, or other indirect sources.
The scale has been used in studies longside multiple standardized measures of family functioning, identity development, and well-being. Findings indicate that knowledge of family history is significantly correlated with internal locus of control, higher self-esteem, better family functioning, greater family cohesiveness, lower levels of anxiety, and lower incidence of behavior problems (Duke et al., 2008; Fivush et al., 2010).
Implications for Pediatric Nursing
Understanding the power of family history opens new possibilities for those of us dedicated to improving the lives of children and families. A family is a team, and in recent years, many new techniques have been introduced to help teams function more effectively. For example, many high-tech companies and the military are employing sense-making, the building of a narrative that explains what the group is about. Feiler (2013) suggests that the single most important thing we can do for our family may be the simplest of all: develop a strong family narrative. However, the complexities of modem family life may make this a challenging undertaking (Duke, 2013).
To hear family stories, people need to sit down with one another and not be distracted. Some people have to talk and some have to listen. The stories need to be told over and over, and the times of sitting together need to be multiple and occur over many years.
M. Duke points out that parents are often busy doing things that they think are useful for their children and their family, but in fact, what is happening is that family members are growing very separate from each other (M. Duke, in Kurylo, n.d.). Pediatric nurses can help parents become aware of the value of telling their children family stories. Although the nightly traditional family dinner is extinct in many households, parents can take advantage of moments together with their children in the car, over a snack, or at bedtime.
The "Do You Know?" scale appears to significantly predict adjust ment and resiliency in children facing external stressors (Duke et al., 2003). Could this scale, which takes less than five minutes to administer, become a valuable tool for pediatric nurses to use to quickly assess children to provide insight about those who might require higher levels of support?
Finally, it is important to remember that as part of the lives of the children in our care, however briefly, we become part of their family's history. We can use this opportunity to shape some meaningful memories that will become part of the family's narrative and be passed on for generations to come.
References
Duke, M. (2013, March 23). The stories that bind us: What are the twenty questions? Huffington Post: Parents. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ marshall-p-duke/the-stories-that-bindus-_b_2918975.html
Duke, M., Fivush, R., Lazarus, A., & Bohanek, J. (2003). Of ketchup and kin: Dinnertime conversations as a major source of family knowledge, family adjustment, and family resilience. Retrieved from http://www.marial.ernory. edu/pdfs/Duke_Fivush027-03.pdf
Duke, M., Lazarus, A., & Fivush, R. (2008). Knowledge of family history as a clinically useful index of psychological wellbeing and prognosis: A brief report. Psychotherapy Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 45, 268-272.
Feiler, B. (2013, March 15). The stories that bind us. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/ 2013/03/17 /fashion/the-family-storiesthat-bind-us-this-life.html ?pagewanted=all&_r=O
Fivush, R., Bohanek, J., & Duke, M. (2008). The intergenerational self: Subjective perspective and family history. In F. Sani (Ed.), Individual and collective self continuity. New York, NY: Psychology Press.
Fivush, R., Duke, M., & Bohanek, J. (2010).
"Do you know ... " The power of family history in adolescent identity and wellbeing. Journal of Family Life. Retrieved from http://www.journaloffamilylife.org/ doyouknow.html#
Kurylo, E. (n.d.). Family storytelling may be key to resilience in children. MAR/AL profile: Marshall Duke. Retrieved from http://www.marial.emory.edu/faculty/pro files/duke.html
Norris, J.E., Kuiack, S., & Pratt, M.W. (2004).
"As long as they go back down the driveway at the end of the day": Stories of the satisfactions and challenges on grandparenthood. In M.W. Pratt & B.H. Fiese (Eds.), Family stories and the life course: Across time and generations (pp. 353-373). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.
Pratt, M.W., & Fiese, B.H. (2004). Family stories and the life course: Across time and generations. Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.
PEDIATRIC NURSING/May-June 2013/Vol. 39/No. 3 https://growingleaders.com/blog/the-link-between-family-history-and-resilience-in-students/
The Link Between Family History and Resilience in Students
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Yesterday, I posted a blog about the connection between students who know history well and their ability to display resilience. It might seem like a strange correlation, but a growing body of research now connects the two. When I know my history, I feel part of something larger and can be inspired to play my role. I’m encouraged by those who lived in tougher times and can learn from their mistakes. In a day like today—when resilience seems to be waning and stress is high—this is huge.
Today, I’d like to dig deeper on where this idea begins. Interestingly enough, it doesn’t stem purely from knowing modern history, or even American history. It actually begins with a healthy family history. I first read about this idea when research was done on it at Emory University. New York Times writer Bruce Feiler tells the story of Dr. Marshall Duke, a prominent psychologist at Emory University in Atlanta (where I live). During the 90s, Dr. Duke was tasked with researching the nature of “myth and ritual in American families.” From his work, Dr. Duke discovered that one of the most important things a family can do is to develop a strong family narrative.
“There was a lot of research at the time into the dissipation of the family,” he says. “But we were more interested in what families could do to counteract those forces.” So Dr. Duke set out to help families build and talk about their history. It proved to be quite a breakthrough.
During this same period of time, Dr. Duke’s wife, Sara — a psychologist who specializes in children with learning disabilities — made a similar discovery about her students.
“The ones who know a lot about their families tend to do better when they face challenges,” she said. Wow. What a coincidence.
Digging deeper into the research, Feiler’s article reveals further insights about this issue. “Dr. Duke said children who have the most self-confidence have what he and Dr. Fivush call a strong ‘intergenerational self.’ They know they belong to something bigger than themselves. Leaders in other fields have found similar results. Many groups use what sociologists call sense-making, the building of a narrative that explains what the group is about.”
Feiler goes on to cite the work of Jim Collins (author of Good to Great), noting that “successful human enterprises of any kind, from companies to countries, go out of their way to capture their core identity.” In Jim Collins’ terms, they “preserve the core, while stimulating progress.”
Additionally, Collins also argues that the same truth applies to families, recommending that families “create a mission statement similar to the ones companies … use to identify their core values.”
Six Steps We Can Take
If this research is indeed true, then what should we do? How can we begin to build a sense of history into our families, our classes, and our teams? Let me begin to answer these questions below with a few basic strategies:
1. Tell the tales of the past.
Take time at meals or holidays to share funny or engaging family stories. At our house, we enjoy reminiscing about past trips, experiences and mishaps.
2. Start customs and traditions.
Create unique practices that are specific to your family, things you can do on holidays, vacations, etc. We have several “Elmore customs” like popcorn night, boat-time, and service trips.
3. Create a list of values and how you can practice them.
Our family met and came up with a set of values we’d all embrace. We chose to practice service, trust, good attitudes, hospitality, faith and risk-taking.
4. Begin using language that is exclusive to your family.
Note what funny or interesting terms are used and refer back to them. We have hilarious phrases, catchwords and rhymes that are for our ears only.
5. Refer to past history when current events align.
When facing a new situation, share how it reminds you of former events. My kids know the details of stories from the lives of their parents and grandparents.
6. Celebrate milestones together.
Healthy families are full of celebrations of achievement for new life stations. Birthdays, graduations, grades and performances are all remembered.
I welcome your additions to this conversation. Are there ways you’ve succeeded in sharing your family’s history with your kids? https://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/17/fashion/the-family-stories-that-bind-us-this-life.html
The Stories That Bind Us
Families may want to create a mission statement similar to the ones many companies use to identify their core values.
By Bruce Feiler, March 15, 2013
I hit the breaking point as a parent a few years ago. It was the week of my extended family’s annual gathering in August, and we were struggling with assorted crises. My parents were aging; my wife and I were straining under the chaos of young children; my sister was bracing to prepare her preteens for bullying, sex and cyberstalking.
Sure enough, one night all the tensions boiled over. At dinner, I noticed my nephew texting under the table. I knew I shouldn’t say anything, but I couldn’t help myself and asked him to stop.
Ka-boom! My sister snapped at me to not discipline her child. My dad pointed out that my girls were the ones balancing spoons on their noses. My mom said none of the grandchildren had manners. Within minutes, everyone had fled to separate corners.
Later, my dad called me to his bedside. There was a palpable sense of fear I couldn’t remember hearing before.
“Our family’s falling apart,” he said.
“No it’s not,” I said instinctively. “It’s stronger than ever.”
But lying in bed afterward, I began to wonder: Was he right? What is the secret sauce that holds a family together? What are the ingredients that make some families effective, resilient, happy?
It turns out to be an astonishingly good time to ask that question. The last few years have seen stunning breakthroughs in knowledge about how to make families, along with other groups, work more effectively.
Myth-shattering research has reshaped our understanding of dinnertime, discipline and difficult conversations. Trendsetting programs from Silicon Valley and the military have introduced techniques for making teams function better.
The only problem: most of that knowledge remains ghettoized in these subcultures, hidden from the parents who need it most. I spent the last few years trying to uncover that information, meeting families, scholars and experts ranging from peace negotiators to online game designers to Warren Buffett’s bankers.
After a while, a surprising theme emerged. The single most important thing you can do for your family may be the simplest of all: develop a strong family narrative.
I first heard this idea from Marshall Duke, a colorful psychologist at Emory University. In the mid-1990s, Dr. Duke was asked to help explore myth and ritual in American families.
“There was a lot of research at the time into the dissipation of the family,” he told me at his home in suburban Atlanta. “But we were more interested in what families could do to counteract those forces.”
Around that time, Dr. Duke’s wife, Sara, a psychologist who works with children with learning disabilities, noticed something about her students.
“The ones who know a lot about their families tend to do better when they face challenges,” she said.
Her husband was intrigued, and along with a colleague, Robyn Fivush, set out to test her hypothesis. They developed a measure called the “Do You Know?” scale that asked children to answer 20 questions.
Examples included: Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your mom and dad went to high school? Do you know where your parents met? Do you know an illness or something really terrible that happened in your family? Do you know the story of your birth?
Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivush asked those questions of four dozen families in the summer of 2001, and taped several of their dinner table conversations. They then compared the children’s results to a battery of psychological tests the children had taken, and reached an overwhelming conclusion. The more children knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned. The “Do You Know?” scale turned out to be the best single predictor of children’s emotional health and happiness.
“We were blown away,” Dr. Duke said.
And then something unexpected happened. Two months later was Sept. 11. As citizens, Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivush were horrified like everyone else, but as psychologists, they knew they had been given a rare opportunity: though the families they studied had not been directly affected by the events, all the children had experienced the same national trauma at the same time. The researchers went back and reassessed the children.
“Once again,” Dr. Duke said, “the ones who knew more about their families proved to be more resilient, meaning they could moderate the effects of stress.”
Why does knowing where your grandmother went to school help a child overcome something as minor as a skinned knee or as major as a terrorist attack?
“The answers have to do with a child’s sense of being part of a larger family,” Dr. Duke said.
Psychologists have found that every family has a unifying narrative, he explained, and those narratives take one of three shapes.
First, the ascending family narrative: “Son, when we came to this country, we had nothing. Our family worked. We opened a store. Your grandfather went to high school. Your father went to college. And now you. ...”
Second is the descending narrative: “Sweetheart, we used to have it all. Then we lost everything.”
“The most healthful narrative,” Dr. Duke continued, “is the third one. It’s called the oscillating family narrative: ‘Dear, let me tell you, we’ve had ups and downs in our family. We built a family business. Your grandfather was a pillar of the community. Your mother was on the board of the hospital. But we also had setbacks. You had an uncle who was once arrested. We had a house burn down. Your father lost a job. But no matter what happened, we always stuck together as a family.’ ”
Dr. Duke said that children who have the most self-confidence have what he and Dr. Fivush call a strong “intergenerational self.” They know they belong to something bigger than themselves.
Leaders in other fields have found similar results. Many groups use what sociologists call sense-making, the building of a narrative that explains what the group is about.
Jim Collins, a management expert and author of “Good to Great,” told me that successful human enterprises of any kind, from companies to countries, go out of their way to capture their core identity. In Mr. Collins’s terms, they “preserve core, while stimulating progress.” The same applies to families, he said.
Mr. Collins recommended that families create a mission statement similar to the ones companies and other organizations use to identify their core values.
The military has also found that teaching recruits about the history of their service increases their camaraderie and ability to bond more closely with their unit.
Cmdr. David G. Smith is the chairman of the department of leadership, ethics and law at the Naval Academy and an expert in unit cohesion, the Pentagon’s term for group morale. Until recently, the military taught unit cohesion by “dehumanizing” individuals, Commander Smith said. Think of the bullying drill sergeants in “Full Metal Jacket” or “An Officer and a Gentleman.”
But these days the military spends more time building up identity through communal activities. At the Naval Academy, Commander Smith advises graduating seniors to take incoming freshmen (or plebes) on history-building exercises, like going to the cemetery to pay tribute to the first naval aviator or visiting the original B-1 aircraft on display on campus.
Dr. Duke recommended that parents pursue similar activities with their children. Any number of occasions work to convey this sense of history: holidays, vacations, big family get-togethers, even a ride to the mall. The hokier the family’s tradition, he said, the more likely it is to be passed down. He mentioned his family’s custom of hiding frozen turkeys and canned pumpkin in the bushes during Thanksgiving so grandchildren would have to “hunt for their supper,” like the Pilgrims.
“These traditions become part of your family,” Dr. Duke said.
Decades of research have shown that most happy families communicate effectively. But talking doesn’t mean simply “talking through problems,” as important as that is. Talking also means telling a positive story about yourselves. When faced with a challenge, happy families, like happy people, just add a new chapter to their life story that shows them overcoming the hardship. This skill is particularly important for children, whose identity tends to get locked in during adolescence.
The bottom line: if you want a happier family, create, refine and retell the story of your family’s positive moments and your ability to bounce back from the difficult ones. That act alone may increase the odds that your family will thrive for many generations to come. http://mycanvasblog.com/family-history-resilience/
Family History Leads to Personal Resilience
There is real power in learning about the lives of our ancestors. One study found that children who know about their family history are more resilient than those who don’t. The study began when Marshall Duke, a psychologist at Emory University at the time, was asked to help explore myth and ritual in American families. Says he, “There was a lot of research at the time into the dissipation of the family, but we were more interested in what families could do to counteract those forces.”
As Dr. Duke was exploring options, his wife, Sara, had an interesting observation. Sara, a psychologist working with children facing learning disabilities, noticed an interesting trend among her students. “The ones who know a lot about their families tend to do better when they face challenges.”
To test whether family history and resilience were related, the pair developed a “Do You Know?” scale of 20 questions asking children about their ancestors, such as “Do you know where your mom and dad went to high school? Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know the story of your birth?” These questions, along with recorded dinner table conversations, given to over 40 families found that there was, indeed, an “overwhelming conclusion.” The more children knew about their family’s history, the higher their self-esteem.
Of this finding, Dr. Duke said, “We were blown away.”
But what is it about family history that makes children resilient?
Survival is Possible
Family History stories can show that no matter what a family has gone through, good, bad, or ugly, the ancestors survived, and so can family members today. Dr. Duke explains, “It’s called the oscillating family narrative: ‘Dear, let me tell you, we’ve had ups and downs in our family. We built a family business. Your grandfather was a pillar of the community. Your mother was on the board of the hospital. But we also had setbacks. You had an uncle who was once arrested. We had a house burn down. Your father lost a job. But no matter what happened, we always stuck together as a family.’ ”
That heritage of uniting with family, and pushing through hard times together no matter what unexpected bumps appear in the road, teaches children that they too, can push through hard times.
Part of Something Bigger
Children who know their ancestors and history are given a knowledge that they are not the only person who has ever gone through hard times, but that’s not the only benefit.
Writer and best-selling author, A.J. Jacobs, shared that when his family learned they were related to Albert Einstein, they became much more interested in history. Jacobs said that to them, it was like, “Oh, it’s Uncle Albert. Let’s figure out what he said.”
In addition to better relating to the past, those who seriously invest themselves in family history gain a lot of skills useful to the present. Recording Family History means using spelling, fact checking, source siting, computer skills, research skills, and more. It also has the power to increase confidence and self worth as those skills are mastered.
Are you interested in getting your kids involved in your family’s history? Here are four fun ways to get them started.
Stories
Bring the past to life by sharing the stories behind old photographs and family heirlooms. Having something tangible that your child can look at, hold, and relate to will engage their senses. Make an adventure out of exploring the attic, basement, or closet for family heirlooms, or create your own.
Family Recipes
If your family is fond of cooking, try digging out those old recipe books from when you or your parents were kids. As you make the dishes together, you can share stories from the past and other memories that involve the dish. Food is a great bonding tool. Once the meal is made, your entire family can sit down together and create more memories as they talk about their day.
Or, consider collecting your child’s favorite old (and current) recipes. Together, you can compile them into a cook book that your child helps decorate. Then, your child can have a piece of history to call their own.
Personal Histories
Family history includes family members from both the past and the present. Help your kids record their own histories! Let children choose their own journal, photo album, or scrapbook, and then help provide them with the materials they need to record memories. Buttons, ribbons, and stickers make great embellishments for personal histories, while the easy access of camera phones means anyone can take pictures! For older children who already have a large store of electronic photos, consider creating a photo book online. MyCanvas.com provides free templates with themes and embellishments that make crating personal histories fun and easy! Access those templates in the photo book section. Or, if you or your children have an Ancestry.com account, simply log in through MyCanvas to download your history automatically, then decorate with electronic embellishments, or expound on details by including your own text narrative!
Indexing
Older kids may enjoy the satisfaction of getting started on family history work by indexing. Indexing is a fun, easy way to record histories from all over the world by using a computer to transcribe old documents into an electronic format everyone can access. To learn more, see this Indexing Overview.
How do you involve your kids in family history? https://www.familysearch.org/blog/en/family-history-2/
Why We Need Family History Now More Than Ever
September 26, 2017
by Rachel Coleman
Knowing, recording, and preserving your family history directly impacts you, your family, and even future generations of people you may never know. Find out how and why family history matters.
“A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots.” —Marcus Garvey
The United States celebrates October as National Family History Month and for good reason. Knowing, recording, preserving, and sharing our family histories can provide countless benefits to individuals, families, and entire societies. Family history is more than pedigree charts, censuses, and birthdates—it can be a powerful antidote against adverse life experiences that we face today, giving us a stronger understanding of who we are and motivating us to deepen our roots for generations to come.
Core Identity
Knowing our cultural background and where we came from can help us develop a strong sense of who we really are. The way we relate to our family stories and create our own narratives about ourselves helps establish our unique, authentic core identity.
Connection
Forming relationships with family past, present, and future can fill an innate need in us.Human beings desire attachment, belonging, and connection. The relationships we form with other people can be incredibly durable, not only with people in our present, but also with people in our past and future. The more we discover about our past, the greater a connection we feel to our ancestors. As we record our own history, we open the opportunity for future generations to connect with us when we are gone.
In a popular TED talk entitled, Everything You Think You Know about Addiction Is Wrong, British journalist Johann Hari teaches that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it is connection. Connecting with members of our family past and present by learning their history fills an innate need in each one of us.
Compassion
Learning the history of our ancestors helps us gain a greater understanding of the challenges they faced, and it often inspires greater love and compassion for their flaws and mistakes. This compassion can easily translate to our relationships with the living, within our families and outside them. We all face hard things. Remembering that fact in the context of others’ shortcomings allows us to be better employees, managers, spouses, parents, children, siblings, and human beings.
Resilience
Knowing our family history builds resilience. In learning about our ancestors’ lives, we can see patterns of overcoming failures and surviving hard times. Their stories remind us that surely not everything in life will work easily, that disappointments occur and inequalities exist, but that we can recover, triumph, and find happiness despite hardships.
Knowing our family history can foster a sense of identity and who we are.
Bruce Feiler, in an article for the New York Times, summarizes a study about the resilience of children: “The more children knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned. [It] turned out to be the best single predictor of children’s emotional health and happiness.”
Selflessness
How records and family history impact generations to come.William Dade was an 18th-century cleric in Yorkshire, England. Although he never married and had no children of his own, he promoted the practice of including as much information as possible in parish registers. Because of his efforts, many registers of this period contain rich information for genealogists. Amy Harris, a family history professor at Brigham Young University, refers to this type of selfless effort as genealogical consciousness. The act of being aware of and having a sense of responsibility to our ancestors, progenitors, and all of future humankind is an act of altruistic selflessness.
The ability to cooperate and act selflessly is unique to humanity. Harris teaches that it is what allows us to harness the “power of millions and billions.” Learning our history, recording it, and preserving it blesses not only our related family, but the entire human family.
Self-Worth
How family history and family relationships strengthen you.As we dive into our own family histories, we see events unfold on both a large scale and a personal scale. Contemplating the enormity of mankind while reading about the hand of the Lord in our ancestors’ lives bears record to us of His concern and immense love for each of us personally. Our worth and value is great in His sight. We are loved and known by Him.
Our family history goes beyond the names and dates we find in our tree. It’s about what makes us who we are. It’s about people with whom we can form deep connections. It’s about people who lived and breathed and suffered and triumphed. It’s about roots and branches and leaves and entire forests. It’s about all of us. https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2013/12/what-kids-learn-from-hearing-family-stories/282075/
What Kids Learn From Hearing Family Stories
Elaine Reese Dec 9, 2013
“Dad, tell me a story from when you were little. Tell me the story about the time you met your best friend Chris at school.” Six-year-old Alex, who has just started school himself, snuggles into his pillow and catches his dad’s hand in the dark. They have finished the nightly reading of Tin Tin and now it’s time for “just one more story” before Alex goes to sleep.
Most parents know about the benefits of reading stories from books with their young children. Parents are blasted with this message in pediatricians’ offices, at preschool, on TV, even with billboards on the city bus. Reading books with children on a daily basis advances their language skills, extends their learning about the world, and helps their own reading later in school. Reading with your child from a young age can instill a lifelong love of books. A new study published in Science even shows that reading literary fiction improves adults’ ability to understand other people’s emotions.
Reading books with your children is clearly a good idea.
The cozy image of cuddling up with your young child while poring over a book, however, doesn’t fit with reality for some parents and children. Parents from some cultures are not as comfortable reading with their children because books were not part of their everyday lives growing up. For other parents, reading with children is a fraught activity because of their own negative experiences learning to read. And for some highly active children, sitting down with a book is a punishment, not a reward. Fortunately, parents can learn new ways of reading books with their children to engage even the most irascible customer–and to engage themselves.
Yet what most parents don’t know is that everyday family stories, like the one that Alex’s dad spun out that night, confer many of the same benefits of reading–and even some new ones.
Over the last 25 years, a small canon of research on family storytelling shows that when parents share more family stories with their children—especially when they tell those stories in a detailed and responsive way—their children benefit in a host of ways. For instance, experimental studies show that when parents learn to reminisce about everyday events with their preschool children in more detailed ways, their children tell richer, more complete narratives to other adults one to two years later compared to children whose parents didn’t learn the new reminiscing techniques. Children of the parents who learned new ways to reminisce also demonstrate better understanding of other people’s thoughts and emotions. These advanced narrative and emotional skills serve children well in the school years when reading complex material and learning to get along with others. In the preteen years, children whose families collaboratively discuss everyday events and family history more often have higher self-esteem and stronger self-concepts. And adolescents with a stronger knowledge of family history have more robust identities, better coping skills, and lower rates of depression and anxiety. Family storytelling can help a child grow into a teen who feels connected to the important people in her life.
Best of all, unlike stories from books, family stories are always free and completely portable. You don’t even need to have the lights on to share with your child a story about your day, about their day, about your childhood or their grandma’s. In the research on family storytelling, all of these kinds of stories are linked to benefits for your child. Family stories can continue to be part of a parent’s daily interactions with their children into adolescence, long past the age of the bedtime story.
All families have stories to tell, regardless of their culture or their circumstances. Of course, not all of these stories are idyllic ones. Research shows that children and adolescents can learn a great deal from stories of life’s more difficult moments–as long as those stories are told in a way that is sensitive to the child’s level of understanding, and as long as something good is gleaned from the experience.
Telling the story about the time the Christmas tree ignited because of faulty wiring and burned up the presents is fine, as long as you can find a tinsel lining. For example: Luckily you were able to save some favorite ornaments from the blaze, and your family ended up at a soup kitchen for Christmas dinner where you met Marion, who would become a treasured family friend.
Books contain narratives, but only family stories contain your family’s personal narratives. Fortunate children get both. They hear and read stories from books to become part of other people’s worlds, and they hear and tell stories of their family to understand who they are and from whence they came.
As Ursula LeGuin said, “There have been great societies that did not use the wheel, but there have been no societies that did not tell stories.” Oral storytelling has been part of human existence for millennia. Toddlers start telling primitive stories from nearly as soon as they can speak, beginning with simple sentences about past experiences such as “Cookie allgone.” Adults quickly build on these baby stories, “What happened to your cookie? You ate it!” so that by age three or four, most children can tell a relatively sensible story of a past experience that a naïve listener will (mostly) understand. By the time they are in school, children will regale a sympathetic adult with highly detailed stories about events of great importance to them, such as scoring a goal at a soccer game, but they may fail to mention the bigger picture that their team still lost. In the preteen and early adolescent years, children tell highly proficient stories about events in their lives, but they still need help understanding difficult events, such as the time their best friend dumped them for someone else. It is not until mid-adolescence that teens can understand the impact of events on their lives and on who they are becoming. Even older adolescents still benefit from their parents’ help in understanding life’s curveballs.
The holidays are prime time for family storytelling. When you’re putting up the tree or having your holiday meal, share a story with your children about past holidays. Leave in the funny bits, the sad bits, the gory and smelly bits–kids can tell when a story has been sanitized for their protection. Then invite everyone else to tell a story too. Don’t forget the youngest and the oldest storytellers in the group. Their stories may not be as coherent, but they can be the truest, and the most revealing.
Family stories can be told nearly anywhere. They cost us only our time, our memories, our creativity. They can inspire us, protect us, and bind us to others. So be generous with your stories, and be generous in your stories. Remember that your children may have them for a lifetime. https://www.thesmallseed.com/blog/2017/10/6339
Family History: A Powerful Resource for Raising Resilient Kids
I’ve decided to rethink bedtime stories. Maybe you should too. It turns out, those stories can become a weapon of mass protection for our children. I don’t know about you, but I feel helpless sometimes—like a sideline spectator—watching my children navigate life’s challenges. And I’m just talking about schoolyard bullies and lost toys for my young children. As they get older, I know they will face more formidable foes, like the increasingly common mental ailments of depression and anxiety.
Sadly, I have seen dozens and dozens and dozens of our children in the hospital after they have felt sad enough to make an attempt on their lives. I’ve seen even more in my clinic where the clouds of depression and anxiety are just starting to disrupt their routines.
I’ve wondered if the increase has something to do with better awareness and decreased stigma. If so, that is a wonderful thing! That means kids who used to pretend everything was fine are now getting the emotional help they need! But I’m afraid that can’t explain away the whole increase.
It seems probable and even likely that the way our children are immersed in social media plays at least some roll. Every picture and post is a test of their popularity, their beauty, their coolness. How many likes did I get? As they scan their feeds, they are inundated with falsehoods, inaccuracies, and “fake news.” They see peers who seem impossibly happy having endless amounts of fun. The teenage mind is simply not equipped to discern clearly between what is real and what is filtered. Add on the complexities of hormonal swings and the pressures of school and work and extracurricular activities and you have a set-up for emotional instability. The teenage years are a set-up anyway! Social media just makes it impossible to escape.
So how do you arm your children against this storm? How can you fortify them emotionally? How can you make things that are true more obvious and clear? What does story time have anything to do with it?
In 2008, two researchers put together 20 questions that they thought might be able to predict how emotionally healthy children are. The questions ranged from “Do you know how your parents met?” and “Do you know the source of your name?” to “Do you know where some of your grandparents grew up?” It was sort of a mini pop quiz on family history. The number of answers a child knew became their score.
What they found was an incredible clue for us as parents. Kids with higher scores had “higher levels of self-esteem,...a belief in one's own capacity to control what happens to him or her, better family functioning, lower levels of anxiety, fewer behavioral problems, and better [resilience].”1
OK. Give me that list of 20 questions. I’m gonna make a set of laminated flash cards for every kid I know! But knowing a list of random family history facts wasn’t the point at all.
The real power came from HOW those kids knew random family history facts: “The information was typically passed during family dinners, family vacations, family holidays, and the like.” Those traditions helped the children develop a “strong sense of what we have called the intergenerational self.”1 [emphasis added].
In other words, families that make family history a part of their culture and traditions (help their children create an intergenerational self) are families that cultivate healthier, happier, more resilient children. The intergenerational self could have the power to make a child’s cyber-self irrelevant.
That is a very cool finding to hear from a scientific paper. Although, I have to admit, it is not that surprising to me at all.
God himself has frequently encouraged us to develop a strong “intergenerational self.” Isaiah says, “Look unto the rock from whence ye are hewn, and to the hole of the pit from whence ye are digged. Look unto Abraham, your father, and unto Sarah that bare you.”2 He frequently implores us: “Know ye that ye are of the House of Israel.”3 God knows of the strength that comes from belonging to strong families, whether it be God’s family, your adopted family, or your genetic family. Henry B. Eyring, speaking about children who “do” family history, said the following in April of this year: “[Family history] has increased the influence of the Spirit in their lives and decreased the influence of the adversary. It has helped them feel closer to their families and closer to the Lord Jesus Christ.”4
So how do you make family history a part of your culture and traditions? How do you develop this intergenerational self in yourself and your children? I can tell you one thing for sure, I’m not an expert. I have a few ideas, but I would definitely appreciate your ideas as well.
As I’ve pondered, I have come to realize that my family has given me the gift of an intergenerational self. When I worked in the yard with my dad or my grandpa and saw their relentless motors, I came to know that “we work hard.” When my dad told me stories about my mom in high school, I came to know that “we are kind and loving to everyone.” When my grandpa and dad told me stories about my dad as a missionary, I came to know that “we share our testimonies and have great faith that others will believe our words.” When my grandma told me about my grandpa’s motto to “fix the problem, not the blame,” I came to know that “we care about solutions AND people.” When I read my dad’s life history and he explained troubles he had in high school, I came to know that “we are not perfect and we always repent.” So much of who I am is really who they are.
I’ve had one idea. My kids LOVE to draw. I like to draw with them and I’m always wondering what to color. I want to start to draw scenes from my childhood and when they ask what it is, I get to tell them a story about my life.
I also remember two of my favorite vacations of all time. We traveled to Memphis where my dad grew up. We drove to his high school and his old home and ate at a favorite restaurant. I saw the infamous water tower where he was caught by the police and taken to jail for trespassing to put up a school banner. It was like traveling in time. The next year, I visited Chagrin Falls, Ohio, where my mother grew up. It was enchanting. I was driving through the streets, talking on the phone excitedly with my grandmother about fountains, parks, and store fronts. I felt connected and a part of their childhoods.
In the same line of thinking, I know a family friend and her husband who will take their children on a journey through a little history of their early romantic relationship. They visit the place they met, their first date, where they got engaged, etc. Physical locations make stories come to life.
Some of the most worthwhile stories to share are stories of failure, heartache, and disappointment. Don’t shy away from the difficult or embarrassing moments of your lives. I cannot think of a more important attribute for my children to incorporate into their intergenerational self than that of perseverance, penitence, and humble faith in the face of hard things. “That our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.”5
So, we need to be true storytellers. We need to encapsulate moments and attributes and package them in the stories of our lives, and our parents’ lives, and our grandparents’ lives, and our great grandparents’ lives. And then tell them to our children. And write them down for our children to read. And show them what real life feels like.
I really do know and feel that we are all part of God’s family. He wants us to feel connected to Him and implores us to remember who we are! He also wants us to be part of strong family chains – definitely imperfect, but strong.
How do you build your children's intergenerational selves?
1. Duke, M.P., Lazarus, A., & Fivush, R. (2008). Knowledge of family history as a clinically useful index of psychological well-being and prognosis: A brief report. Psychotherapy Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 45, 268-272.
2. 2 Nephi 8:1-2
3. Mormon 7:2
4. Henry B. Eyring, “Gathering the Family of God”, April 2017 General Conference.
5. 2 Nephi 25:26 I have been blogging about the value of family stories, and research from The Family Narratives Lab showing that children and adolescents who know more of their family stories show higher well-being on multiple measures, including higher self-esteem, higher academic competence, higher social competence, and fewer behavior problems. So how can you start sharing your family stories?
Marshall Duke and I developed the “Do You Know…?” scale sometimes called “The 20 Questions” that tap into different kinds of family stories. These questions are designed as a starting point for sharing family stories. Please keep in mind that it is not knowledge of these specific facts that is important – it is the process of families sharing stories about their lives that is important. So these questions are a way to begin to ask and to tell, and to begin a family tradition of sharing the stories of our lives.
Do you know how your parents met?
Do you know where your mother grew up?
Do you know where your father grew up?
Do you know where some of your grandparents grew up?
Do you know where some of your grandparents met?
Do you know where your parents were married?
Do you know what went on when you were being born?
Do you know the source of your name?
Do you know some things about what happened when your brothers or sisters were being born?
Do you know which person in your family you look most like?
Do you know which person in the family you act most like?
Do you know some of the illnesses and injuries that your parents experienced when they were younger?
Do you know some of the lessons that your parents learned from good or bad experiences?
Do you know some things that happened to your mom or dad when they were in school?
Do you know the national background of your family (such as English, German, Russian, etc.)?
Do you know some of the jobs that your parents had when they were young?
Do you know some awards that your parents received when they were young?
Do you know the names of the schools that your mom went to?
Do you know the names of the schools that your dad went to?
Do you know about a relative whose face “froze” in a grumpy position because he or she did not smile enough?
I hope these questions help you to begin to learn more of your family stories and share them across the generations.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-stories-that-bind-us_n_2918975?guccounter=1
The Stories That Bind Us: What Are the Twenty Questions?
The major criterion for inclusion in this set of questions was that they test knowledge of things that children could not possibly have learned first hand.
By Marshall P Duke, PhD, Contributor
Charles Howard Candler Professor of Psychology--Emory University
03/23/2013 10:09am ET | Updated May 23, 2013
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
Since the publication on Sunday, March 17 of Bruce Feiler's New York Times column entitled "This Life: The Stories that Bind us," Robyn Fivush and I have received a large number of requests for what he referred to as the "Do You Know Scale" (DYK). The DYK comprises 20 questions seeking knowledge about family history. The major criterion for inclusion in this set of questions was that they test knowledge of things that children could not possibly have learned first hand, either because they happened before the children were born or they involved family members that were less familiar to them than parents and grandparents. Given this limitation, the children who knew the information would therefore have had to receive it from others through stories, writings or other indirect sources. As was mentioned by Bruce Feiler, in our research, higher scores on the DYK scale were associated with higher levels of self-esteem, an internal locus of control ( a belief in one's own capacity to control what happens to him or her), better family functioning, lower levels of anxiety, fewer behavioral problems, and better chances for good outcomes if a child faces educational or emotional/behavioral difficulties.
I write this blog post because many people have written and asked us to send them the list of twenty DYK questions so they can be sure their children know what our test children knew. However, correlation is not causation. Simply knowing the answers to questions will not produce the good outcomes described above. The good outcomes as well as the knowledge of family history that the children possessed were all the result of something else. We have written about this "something else" in several publications and I quote from one of those publications here:
"If simply knowing family history could make for better states of well-being, some might propose (confusing correlation with causation) that we simply teach children various facts about their families and they will become stronger. Clearly, this approach would not work! Rather, it is our belief that knowledge of family history reflects certain processes that exist in families whose members know their histories. One such process is the communication of family information across generations; important questions about this process would include "Who is passing this information?" and "When is this information transmitted?" In our study of family stories at the Emory University Family Narratives Project funded by the Sloan Foundation, we found that family stories seem to be transferred by mothers and grandmothers more often than not and that the information was typically passed during family dinners, family vacations, family holidays, and the like. Other data indicated that these very same regular family dinners, yearly vacations, and holiday celebrations occur more frequently in families that have high levels of cohesiveness and that they contribute to the development of a strong sense of what we have called the intergenerational self. It is this intergenerational self and the personal strength and moral guidance that seem to derive from it that are associated with increased resilience, better adjustment, and improved chances of good clinical and educational outcomes." -- [Duke, M.P., Lazarus, A., & Fivush, R. (2008). Knowledge of family history as a clinically useful index of psychological well-being and prognosis: A brief report. Psychotherapy Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 45, 268-272.]
The 20 items of the DYK scale are provided below. However, please remember that these are only a representative sample of the kinds of questions that kids should be able to answer. You can make up others. The main criterion, as mentioned above, is that the questions are about things that the children could not have learned on their own or experienced directly. Each family will have different stories and different key moments and memories that are shared. It is not the content of what is known that is the critical factor, but the process by which these things came to be known. This process is, in our opinion, the causational factor. In order to hear family stories, people need to sit down with one another and not be distracted. Some people have to talk and some have to listen. The stories need to be told over and over and the times of sitting together need to be multiple and occur over many years. The most convenient times traditionally have been family dinners, family trips in the car, vacations, birthday gatherings, etc. As Bruce Feiler notes, however, given the complexities of modern family life families can also sit and talk over a snack after school or before everyone goes off to work, or at any other time that they can focus on each other. These gatherings -- short or long -- are at the heart of the process by which the intergenerational stories can be told and learned and through which children can grow stronger and healthier. No quick fix. No simply learning the answers to the questions. Just coming from a family in which the opportunities to learn family history and to create a family narrative are regular, multiple, predictable and inviolable. As Bruce Feiler implores in his book, " The Secrets of Happy Families": Talk. A lot.
The Do You Know Scale
Please answer the following questions by circling "Y" for "yes" or "N" for "no." Even if you know the information we are asking about, you don't need to write it down. We just wish to know if you know the information.
1. Do you know how your parents met?Y N
2. Do you know where your mother grew up?Y N
3. Do you know where your father grew up?Y N
4. Do you know where some of your grandparents grew up?Y N
5. Do you know where some of your grandparents met?Y N
6. Do you know where your parents were married?Y N
7. Do you know what went on when you were being born?Y N
8. Do you know the source of your name?Y N
9. Do you know some things about what happened when your brothers or sisters were being born?Y N
10. Do you know which person in your family you look most like?Y N
11. Do you know which person in the family you act most like?Y N
12. Do you know some of the illnesses and injuries that your parents experienced when they were younger?Y N
13. Do you know some of the lessons that your parents learned from good or bad experiences?Y N
14. Do you know some things that happened to your mom or dad when they were in school?Y N
15. Do you know the national background of your family (such as English, German, Russian, etc)?Y N
16. Do you know some of the jobs that your parents had when they were young?Y N
17. Do you know some awards that your parents received when they were young?Y N
18. Do you know the names of the schools that your mom went to?Y N
19. Do you know the names of the schools that your dad went to?Y N
20. Do you know about a relative whose face "froze" in a grumpy position because he or she did not smile enough?Y N
Score: Total number answered Y.
Important Note : About that last question! Fifteen percent of our sample actually answered "Yes!" This is because the stories that families tell are not always "true." More often than not they are told in order to teach a lesson or help with a physical or emotional hurt. As such, they may be modified as needed. The accuracy of the stories is not really critical. In fact, there are often disagreements among family members about what really happened! These disagreements then become part of the family narrative. Not to worry!
Race, Priesthood, and Temple Blessings--
3 months ago
