One of the elements of the “higher law of the gospel” that we have been studying in the Church in the last several weeks, is that we must learn to forgive others their trespasses:
“For if ye forgive men their trespasses, our Heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. (Matthew 6:14-15)
This direction is reinforced in the Doctrine and Covenants:
Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.
I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. (D&C 64:9-10)
I have learned some new things about forgiveness as a I have studied some of the writings of Bruce and Marie Hafen carefully. Forgiving is surely one of the most complex and challenging gospel principles to implement, especially when it appears to largely involve our innocence and sinful action by the other party. In my study of some of Elder and Sister Hafen’s writings on this subject, I see some new insights and helps in becoming a better follower of Christ. They first affirm that the Christ’s Atonement can help a person heal from being hurt by the sins of another person, just as it will pay the price of our own sins.
These lessons start with the experience of persons who have been most seriously wounded by others’ transgression. The Hafens report on what might be nearly the worst case, in which a pair of women who were victims of serious, if not dreadful, abuse in their own homes as children. From these experiences both of them carried recurrent feelings of fear, guilt, and anger into their adulthood, that seriously impaired their relationships in their own homes and in their adult lives. There were connections between the emotional deprivations experienced in their own childhoods and their adult functioning. One of the women reported that her preoccupation with her own troubles had caused her to pass some of the distress on to her own family, with the need to overcome “bad mental habits: fear, self-pity, self-condemnation and... unforgiveness.” She said, “I found I did not have this power to reshape and heal my mind, but Christ did.”
There appeared to be two negative consequences from these hurtful experiences in the lives of these women. First, although they were themselves innocent of any original wrong-doing, the results in their own mind and heart were very analogous to the experience of personal guilt. They seemed to be experiencing the same kind of feelings of self-recrimination and estrangement from God that are or ought to be present when one truly violates the dictates of his or her own conscience. I wonder if that might also be true for us, as we experience lesser challenges to the need to forgive others, that we too might carry feelings that are analogous to guilt. Second, these particular experiences may have established a pattern in their own behavior that put them at risk of repeating in relationships in our their later family life, perhaps passing on to their posterity dysfunctional ways of interacting and parenting. We must be careful about letting our failings in this regard teach our children bad practices.
Brother and Sister Hafen report on a study performed by a team of BYU researchers on the healing process among victims of child sexual abuse. Professional counselors have discovered that such child abuse is one of the most damaging and intractable of all human problems. Some therapists have even questioned whether such victims could ever fully recover. This team of researchers led by Anne Horton studied the experiences of people who appeared to have made a successful recovery from such abuse and found three important elements of healing, in their words: 1) “final family closure,” 2) “resolution of sexuality issues,” and 3) “spiritual recovery.” Without delving into the first two elements, the latter, spiritual recovery, almost always included the victim arriving at some sort of forgiveness in regard to the perpetrator. The third element surprised the researchers (although many of the respondents were members of the Church). One survivor wrote: “In order to truly feel healed, there must be a type of spiritual recovery, where victims are able to forgive those they feel wronged by, whether it be by the perpetrator, or family member who allowed the abuse to happen, or even God, whom victims often blame for not intervening on their behalf.”
The Hafens use some unusual words to describe the forgiveness process for persons such as abuse victims, such as “alchemize” and “absorb” and also show a connection of these processes with the work that our Savior performed.
“...Here are people, often totally innocent, who have been thrust into.the depths of shame, despair, and years of psychic pain– not by their own mistakes, not even by natural adversity, but sometimes by the deliberate crimes of degraded transgressors. It seems fair to ask why the victims of abuse should be required to do anything to deserve the Lord's vast healing powers in such a case. Because abuse victims suffer so many of the same symptoms of guilt and estrangement from God as do willful transgressors, the irony that they should need to forgive those who have wronged them is almost overpowering.
“Still, there lurks between the lines of the scriptures on forgiveness a message of transcendent meaning– not only about abuse victims but about all of us, and about all of the Atonement.
“Consider the "transitional figure," [a term suggested be psychologist Alan Bergin, a Church member]. What are we doing when we are willing to absorb a terrible trauma of the spirit, caused not by our own doing but by one who claimed to love us– and we absorb a the trauma even to help the sinner? That picture somehow has a familiar look– we've seen all this before. Of course, because this picture depicts the sacrifice of Jesus Christ: he took upon himself undeserved and unbearable burdens, heaped upon him by people who often said, and often believed, that they loved him. And he assumed that load not for any need of his, but only to help them.
“To forgive– not just for abuse victims, but for each of us– is to be a Christ figure,... a transitional point in the war between good and evil, stopping the current of evil by absorbing it in every pore, thereby protecting the innocent next generation and helping to enable the repentance and healing of those whose failures sent the jolt into our own systems.
“Could it be that we, not only child abuse victims, but all of us, will be accepted of the Lord only as we observe our covenants by the sacrifice of participating in his sacrifice– extending to others the grace he extends to us, and helping to absorb the undeserved trauma that he himself absorbed?
“Perhaps it is in the nature of belonging to Christ that we "follow him " by letting ourselves belong to others as he does– approximating even in small ways his sacrifice or us through our sacrifice for them. Perhaps only when we begin to approximate his sacrifice will we comprehend it enough to realize the full impact of its blessings. Perhaps when his effort combines with ours to move our hearts beyond being broken to being full of charity, in some small way our lives, like his on a larger scale, may represent a fruitful tree, even like the tree of life. We may then stand like a tree by a pure stream, bearing fruit that helps others develop a taste for the fruit of the real tree of life. In small and simple ways, we may be participants in his Atonement, agents of his grace through being agents of his charity.” (Hafen, The Belonging Heart, 122-123)
Here is a look at the meaning of some of the key words,
Transitional figure:
A personal link in the pathological family’s intergenerational chain, halts the process by simply absorbing, rather than passing along, the current of harm. “Instead of seeking retribution, one learns to absorb the pain, to be forgiving, to try to reconcile with forebears, and then becomes a generator of positive change in the next generation.” (Alan Bergin, in Counseling and Values, 33, (1988) 28-30)
Alchemize:
To change the nature or properties of (something), by a seemingly magical process of transformation, creation, or combination. (Dictionary)
Absorb:
There are several dictionary definitions of the word “absorb.” One, “to take in and make part of an existent whole” is absolutely not the meaning here. In fact, making it a part of yourself is the basis for continuing pain and self-loathing. A better definition is “to wipe up, to use up, to totally consume.” This kind of absorbing is what a sponge or towel does, especially to undesired spills, with you yourself as the absorbent material. There is no after-effect residue or stain in your system or that of later family members.
Atonement (at-one-ment):
Returning to the first point in this discussion which is that the atonement of Christ will help us heal when we have been wounded by others’ transgression. The word atonement itself gives clues to this process. “The word comes from the Middle English attone or atoon (“agreed”, literally “at one”), now meaning to be "at one", in harmony, with someone. (Wikipedia definition).
“Atonement is primarily about healing the pains and strains of injured relationships incurred en route to [heaven], fractures among ourselves as humans and with those gentle Parents patiently working to improve and guide us (Givens & Givens, The Christ Who Heals, 74).”
The hyphenated word at-one-ment suggests being brought into a complete unity, peace, or perfect harmony with God, but may also give clues as how its fruition is experienced. Just as the absence of its effect in a situation in which one is offended may be experienced as guilt, the achievement of such results could be considered confirmation that one’s efforts at forgiving have been accepted by God. This result may actually be experienced through the Spirit as a sense of unity (at-oneness, at-peace) with another person and with God. Thus, sensing this spiritual at-oneness may be a sign that a healing has occurred, at last for your own benefit, and that the atonement of Christ is operative in regard to a situation or relationship.
Wendy has described a personal experience that seems to illustrate some of this process. After her divorce from her first husband, experiencing his unfaithfulness, his verbal and emotional abuse, his turning their children against her values, she found herself still lacking direction and peace in her life. She had turned to the temple and prayer for relief, but was still struggling with these feelings. One Sunday, while listening to a Sacrament meeting speaker, she experience a spiritual voice telling her that she needed to ask her ex-husband for forgiveness. She said that she nearly spoke her reaction out loud, “WHAT?” She felt like this was like being “hit in the head with a brick.” Nevertheless, when she got home, she determined to be obedient to this prompting. She carefully drafted a letter asking for forgiveness and put it in the mail. At the very point of placing the letter in a mailbox, the burden she had been feeling was totally lifted and she felt at peace, that she had now done all that was required of her by her Heavenly Father, and that she could move forward in her life with His full support.
No comments:
Post a Comment