Article on marital success #1: Forgiveness in Marriage

I call your attention to a significant article in the Church News of March 3, 2013 on “Forgiveness in Marriage: Researcher shares tools to create healthier relationships,” a Marjorie Pay Hinckley lecture at BYU given by Dr. Frank Fincham of Florida State University’s Family Institute.  He stated, “A happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers.”  (These ideas would seem to me to have implications, in addition to our marriages, for all of our relationships as we try to implement Christ’s commandment to be forgiving to all, including our enemies.)

Here are some of his conclusions:
– Forgiveness is a process, not an event.  We should develop forgiveness as a way of life.
– One the top five attributes of long-term happy marriages is the ability to grant and receive forgiveness.
– According to Dr. Fincham, forgiveness
     1) Is NOT forgetting (“forgetting is just a passive removal of the offense from your consciousness” and may continue to bother you and cause a destructive response at some time when you least expect it.).
     2) Does NOT include a lack of consequences for the perpetrator.
     3) Is NOT about pretending that unacceptable behavior is acceptable.
     4) Does NOT necessarily require that you have to be reconciled to the person.
– Rather, forgiveness is “more like giving up the perceived right to get even...a response to being wronged that entails a change in which justified anger and resentment are freely given up...  It’s not something that just happens easily, because you have to overcome the negative feelings engendered by the transgression...  In forgiveness the transgressor receives an undeserved gift [from you]... forgivenss [is] an altruistic act.”

Dr. Fincham suggested that forgiveness is a learned skill.  He  offered six ways for individuals to become more forgiving:
1) Pray for the other person.  (This is an interesting first suggestion, coming as it was from a non-LDS academic person.)
2) Have a structured plan (for yourself): See things through the other’s eyes. Accept that the other persons’s views and memory may differ from yours.  You don’t have agree on details to forgive.  See them as a whole person, more than just the offending behavior.
3) Be patient, both with yourself and the other person.
4) Set an agenda, to work on the issue with the other person.  This may not be a one-time discussion.
5) Apologize and ask for forgiveness.
6) Remember times when you were the offender.