Utah County temple-building

We were inspired and excited by the Payson Temple ground-breaking service on the morning of Saturday, October 8th. The personal references to family connections and the history of the Church in these south Utah county communities by Elder Oaks and other speakers were very interesting to us. I felt some of the same connection through the Evans, Averetts and others in our family who had lived here for many years. As requested, we attended at our Stakehouse, sent to us as a satellite broadcast. We were glad for Megan who represented the Laurels in her ward by ushering at the actual location, helping to dry the water off the chairs and seating people, but were glad for our nice dry, warm view of the proceedings.

We decided that we wanted more participation in this event, to give our excitement and commitment more expression. So, so early in the afternoon, we put a shovel in our car and headed for Payson. We were all alone at the temple site, except for a couple of workmen finishing the clean-up. We turned over a couple of shovel-fulls of dirt. Then carloads of families started to arrive, with the same idea, to let their kids experience the ground-breaking for themselves. We had the only shovel, so stayed for a few minutes watching families take pictures of their kids turning over the dirt, using our shovel. Finally someone else arrived with the foresight to bring a shovel of their own, so we were able to leave.

We have been trying to come up with a name for the temple that will be constructed in the restored Provo Tabernacle–Tabernacle Temple, Provo Heritage Temple, MTC temple, Cougar Temple, Provo Peak Temple, Provo Temple South, Provo Temple #2, Rock Canyon Temple, Slate Canyon Temple, Squaw Peak Temple, Provo River Temple, Rise Up Temple, We’re Invested Temple. None of these brainstorms seems quite right. I guess we’ll keep working on it unitl we find a name that fits.

I hope and suspect that our excitement for these temple will equal that of the Kansas City Temple Chasers expressed through their blog. Have you seen this? Its at http://kcldstemple.blogspot.com. Latter-day saints sure love their temples, both existing and especially prospective ones. We keep waiting for the announcement of new Bentonville temple.
[Picture: Looking WNW across the temple site toward West Mt.]

Visit by David and Rebecca and kids

We're grateful for the visit David, Rebecca, Isaac, Ben, and Henry made to our place at the end of August. Here are some pictures we took, including the family picnic at Big Springs park in Provo South Fork canyon. We sure love those bright, inquisitive little guys.

We're running a Mount Zion B & B, and glad for it

We have had three sets of visitors from the Mt Zion Branch recently to entertain and show Utah sights. First, Riley and Judy Gore (counselors in Branch Presidency and Relief Society), then Danny and Sherry Henderson (Branch President and YW President) and daughter Bailie, finally Sister Henderson again along with Tabatha Harrell and Denver Hollingsworth (ECU student). The Hendersons came to our family picnic up the South Fork of the Provo while David and Rebecca and family were here.

It was great to get reports on how people are doing, especially to observe and hear about spiritual growth, and to get a personal report from Tabatha about the challenges of being parents to their two newly adopted boys and how hard she and Todd are working to observe the Gospel with their new family (FHE, scripture reading, prayer).

To the Young Women of our family

Memo to: Staci, Trina, Heidi, Rachel, Camille, Alyssa, Megan, Amy, Krysta, Erin, Tricia, Lindsey, Brianna

Grandma Wendy and I are just finishing reading all of the conference talks in the May 2011 Ensign, and today we read Sister Elaine Dalton’s Young Womens conference talk “Guardians of Virtue.” This has got to be one of the classic conference talks of all time, and I endorse every word. She called for you young women to become the guardians of virtue, to protect, shield, and defend moral purity, both in your own life and in the lives of others.

She told of a ward young women’s group that did a walk the 22 miles from Draper to the Salt Lake Temple remembering John Rowe who made the same walk on a wooden leg he had carved himself, to work as a stone mason and who carved in temple granite the words, “Holiness to the Lord.” This story was a metaphor for you to live the gospel with faith and determination with the temple as the goal.

“Being a guardian of virtue means you will always be modest not only in your dress but also in your speech, your actions, and your use of social media. Being a guardian of virtue means you will never text words or images to young men that may cause them to lose the Spirit, lose their priesthood power, or lose their virtue. It means that you understand the importance of chastity because you also understand that your body is a temple and that the sacred powers of procreation are not to be tampered with before marriage. You understand that you possess a sacred power that involves the holy responsibility of bringing other spirits to earth to receive a body in which to house their eternal spirit. This power involves another sacred soul. You are a guardian of something “more precious than rubies. Be faithful. Be obedient. Prepare now so that you may qualify to receive all the blessings that await you in the Lord’s holy temples.”

I hope that you have a personal copy of this talk. It is one that should be read and re-read and quoted and, above all, internalized and implemented. I love you all, and hope for each one of you a happy life in the gospel as you become a “guardian of virtue.”

Becoming Great Priesthood Men through Scouting, II

We are blessed as family to have all of our grandsons ages 8-18 in wards that take YM scouting seriously. At this moment, twelve of our grandsons are in scouting and are using these programs to develop and build themselves for their future destinies (besides having a lot of fun). Here are their reports as to their progress in scouting advancement:

RYAN (18) b. May 93
Current rank: Eagle
Need for next rank (Bronze Palm): Submit application
How many merit badges: 26, including 12 required

JARON (16) b. Feb 95
Current rank: Life
Need for next rank: (Eagle) Submit project report and Eagle application, Eagle board of Review
Working on now: Finish report on project to submit application for Eagle
How many merit badges: 36, including 12 required
Received Varsity letter

MCKAY (14) b. Apr 97
Current rank: Life
Need for next rank: (Eagle) Eagle Board of Review, scheduled for Oct 22
Working on now:
How many merit badges: 25, including 12 required.
Received Varsity letter

ERIC (14) b. Aug 97
Current rank: Life
Need for next rank: (Eagle) 5 required MBs, Project, 4 months time
Working on now: Communications, Family Life, and Personal Fitness MBs,
How many merit badges: 21, including 7 required

JEREMY (12) b. Dec 98
Current rank: Star
Need for next rank (Life): Pass off Family Life and Citizenship in the Community, 2 weeks time, and Board of Review
Working on now: More MBs
How many merit badges: 29, including 5 required

JUSTIN (12) b. Jan 99
Current rank: Star
Need for next rank: (Life) 3 months time
Working on now: Family Life MB, pow-wow is this week (2 more MBs)
How many merit badges: 20, including 6 required, plus Emergency Prep (passed off but not awarded)

JONATHAN (11) b. Jan 00
Current rank: Scout
Finished Webelos and Arrow of Light
Need for next rank: (Tenderfoot, Second Class, First Class) Board of Review
Working on: Personal Fitness and Gardening MBs
How many merit badges: 2

JAMISON (11) b. Mar 00
Current rank: Scout
Finished Webelos and Arrow of Light
Need for next rank: (Tenderfoot) Board of Review
Working on: Personal Fitness MB (finished 3 month exercise record)
How many merit badges: 0

ETHAN: (10) b. Jan 01
Current den: Webelos
Completed Bear with 7 arrow points
Webelos: pass off 4 items
Arrow of Light: needs 2 more activity pins, scout oath and law

JOSHUA (9) b. Jan 02
Current den: Bear
Completed Wolf with 4 arrow points
How many achievements have you finished for your Bear: 12 (Bear completed)
How many arrow points have you earned: 3

AARON (9) b. Jul 02
Current den: Bear
Completed Wolf with 2 arrow points
How many achievements have you finished for your Bear: 3
How many arrow points have you earned: Still working on Bear badge

TRENTON (8) b. Jun 03
Current den: Wolf
How many achievements have you finished for your Wolf: 5
How many arrow points have you earned: 2

Let's have a big round of applause (Cub style) for all of our young men and their scouting progress.

The press conference you will never hear

Rev. Jeffress [Regarding Mitt Romney’s candidacy for President]: “Mormonism is a cult, not Christianity. Every true born-again follower of Christ ought to embrace a Christian over a non-Christian.”

Reporter: “Rev. Jeffress, in the interest of full disclosure, would you make a statement about your personal investment in trying to marginalize Mr. Romney’s church?”

Rev.Jeffress: Yes. Thank you. I am a professional minister, under salary with the First Baptist Church of Dallas, Texas. As such I may profit personally by casting a negative light on a competing religion, especially one that proselytes all persons and, worst of all, operates totally with an unpaid ministry.

Reporter: But Rev. Jeffress, surely you must be aware that Mr. Romney’s church professes a strong believe in Christ as their Savior and a commitment to follow him. In fact the official name of the church is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Why then do you call his church a cult and non-Christian?

Rev.Jeffress: This is only good business. We are competing for the hearts and souls of men. We know that we are using a non-standard definition of the word Christian, but most people are too lazy or dull to question what we are doing. Using these provocative words helps to keep people away from investigating and joining Mr. Romney’s church.

Reporter: “But why would Mr. Romney’s religion make him unfit for being President?”

Rev.Jeffress: I am sorry, but that is not the issue. We are concerned that if he were elected President, his religion would become more acceptable in the eyes of the majority of people and allow his church to grow and take away from our churches and livelihood.

Reporter: Thank you, Rev. Jeffress, for your candid responses.

Challenges to our children

How to raise children in the Gospel of Jesus Christ while living in a self-indulgent society that is obsessed and saturated with sex? This is a question of eternal importance. A generation or two ago, Latter-day Saint parents developed the skills to teach their children how to obey the Word of Wisdom and we are pretty proficient at this. Newer challenges faced by our children are infinitely more complex, subtle, and difficult to combat than were smoking and drinking.

This challenge strikes at the very heart of the Gospel plan. Demonstrating a willingness and ability to use the powers of procreation in rightful ways during mortality seems to be the very essence of qualifying for the godly powers of exaltation in the eternities. If we use appropriately and constructively the limited gift of creative powers we are given while on earth, we might be able to be trusted to use greater creative powers for the benefit of others in the hereafter. In an earlier blog we raised the question of how to help young men in our family to avoid one of the major pitfalls for their gender in our sexualized society, the dangers of pornography.

In males, pornography inflames and inflates desires and motivates inappropriate actions, mis-educates males in their expectations about women which causes much grief in relationships, and even establishes and reinforces unnatural and deviant desires and behaviors. We had some dialogue about how to deal with these dangers positively and preventably, in terms of helping young members of our family to learn to recognize and value the presence of the Spirit in our lives and to resist making any choices that would offend and drive the Spirit away.

Regarding challenges to the young women in our family, The Deseret News has recently published a series of articles on problems inherent with the sexualization of our young women, meaning teaching them to define their worth largely in terms of being sexual objects. There is a lot of evidence that media, entertainment, TV, music, movies, styles leaders, and especially companies marketing clothes and other objects to girls using images that negatively influence the perceptions and value standards of young women. As the DN editorial from September 19th states:

“The issue of teen and child sexualization by popular media and marketing is just such an issue. The images of girls — especially girls' bodies — that dominate billboards, newsstands, airwaves and even toy stores are, experts say, having a profound effect on young girls as they form their sense of self and discover relationships with the opposite sex. The message is that a woman's personal value is based on her physical appearance and sexuality, and that digitally altered images are somehow an attainable ideal. Study after study demonstrates that this objectification of women devalues intelligence, character and accomplishment and pushes girls toward depression, unhealthy relationships, eating disorders and plastic surgery...”

One of the most telling demonstration of this trend was shown in the accompanying illustration, which showed old and new versions of popular dolls or characters marketed to young girls. I suggest that you review these articles and then let’s have some dialogue.

______________________
“BYU study: Sexualized song lyrics increasing dramatically” Lois M. Collins, Deseret News, published Thursday, Sept. 8, 2011 (http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700177458/BYU-study-Sexualized-song-lyrics-increasing-dramatically.html)
“The end of innocence: The cost of sexualizing kids,” by Lois M. Collins and Sara Lenz, Deseret News, published Saturday, Sept. 18, 2011 (http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700180194/The-end-of-innocence-The-cost-of-sexualizing-kids.html)
“Sexualizing kids: No child left behind — and fighting back” By Lois M. Collins and Sara Lenz, published Sunday, Sept. 18, 2011 (http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700180370/Sexualizing-kids-No-child-left-behind-2-and-fighting-back.html)
“Fighting oversexualization” Deseret News editorial, published Monday, Sept. 19, 2011 (http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700180194/The-end-of-innocence-The-cost-of-sexualizing-kids.html)

Sacred events and ordinances--Frederick added

Today we attended a graveside service at the Provo Cemetery for our first great-grandchild. I am saddened and express my deep condolences to Andrew and Britain on the loss of their baby son, Frederick Michael. While not compensating for the loss of this beautiful baby, we saw some bright spots:
1) We saw the tender mercies of God in allowing Frederick to be revived and to live for a full seven days. This gave Andrew and Britain and others the chance to serve him, to hold him, to sing to him, to experience responsiveness, and surely, to become acquainted with his spirit. There was also the time and opportunity to say “Good-byes,” or better, “Until tomorrow.”
2) We saw admirable qualities of resilience, faith, and strength on the part of Frederick’s young parents.

We might ask two questions, “Why did we lose Frederick so soon? And why did Andrew and Britain experience this loss at this point in their young lives?

Regarding the first question, the Spirit seems to suggest that Frederick was one of a group of the noble and great of Father’s spirit children who had no need for earthly testing. Obtaining his mortal body, prepared within the bonds of the new and everlasting covenant, was sufficient. Truly, as his place on our Lewis Family Sacred Events and Ordinances display avers, he has endured to the end and fulfilled the purposes of his second estate.

Regarding why Andrew and Britain should need to experience this loss at this point in their lives, the answer is we don’t know. Surely, if we or their good mothers or fathers had been in charge of their earthly experience, in our state of myopia, we undoubtedly would have not have had them endure this trial, especially at this time. But, as Elder Maxwell pointed out several years ago, the Lord has his own agenda and time-table for our earthly tutoring. They might ask: “What is the Lord trying to teach us?” We who love them might wonder “For what are they being prepared?”

Our Family Legacy–a Divine Witness about Church Leadership

According to Lynne Watkins Jorgensen, writing in the book “Opening the Heavens: Accounts of Divine Manifestations 1820-1844," there are least 121 written testimonies of persons who were present at a meeting in Nauvoo Illinois, on August 8, 1844 and personally experienced a spiritual manifestation in which Brigham Young took on the very appearance and voice of Joseph Smith as he spoke to the congregated Saints. This “mantle” or “transfiguration” experience gave convincing evidence to participants in that meeting that God had designated Brigham Young as the leader of the Church to replace the Prophet Joseph Smith.

As a significant spiritual legacy in our family, we had an ancestor present at that meeting, who testified of having experienced this miraculous manifestation. Quoting from a biographical sketch about the life of Martha Ann Townsend, written by my Aunt Dorothy:

“[James Foss Townsend, his wife Susan Davis Townsend, and daughter Martha Ann Townsend] were in Nauvoo at the time of the martyrdom of Joseph Smith and were present at the meeting when the mantle of Joseph fell upon Brigham Young. This happened at a meeting at Nauvoo on the afternoon of 8 Aug. 1844. It was concerning the matter of authority and who now would head and lead the church.

“Joseph Fielding Smith, in his book “Essentials of Church History” tells about it this way: President Brigham Young addressed the congregation. He spoke with great power and the people were convinced that the authority and power of presiding was with the apostles (quorum of the twelve). When he first arose to speak, the people were astonished for President Young stood transfigured before them and they beheld the Prophet Joseph Smith and heard his voice as naturally as ever they did when he was living. It was a manifestation to the Saints that they might recognize the correct authority...

“In 1926, when I [Dorothy Hall] visited my cousin Mattie Barron Norton in Salt Lake City she told me of a time when she was visiting our grandparents in Logan. One day as she watched our grandmother [Martha Ann Townsend Lufkin] make biscuits, she also listened to her tell stories of Nauvoo. Mattie told me that Grandma was about twelve years old but remembered the meeting very well and [stated that] it was true as reported. She told Mattie to remember what she said and to tell others as she had a chance. It was additional testimony to her that the L.D.S. church was true.”
(Dorothy D. Hall, “History of Martha Ann Townsend Lufkin 1832-1912", in Histories of Parents and Grandparents and some other ancestors of Kate Naomi Lufkin Davenport, compiled by Dorothy Lufkin Davenport Hall, 1986, handwritten document, pp 27-28.)

[This testimony was forwarded 11 Sep 2011 to Jennifer Hurlbut of the BYU library staff for consideration to include with the collection of testimonies regarding the "mantle of Joseph" event.]

1991 letter to Michael Bird

I found a copy of this letter I wrote to Michael Bird who was a missionary contact of Matthew's, and who wrote and later visited us. I don't think he ever joined the Church:

Salt Lake City, Utah, September 26, 1991

Dear Brother Bird:

I really appreciate receiving your kind letter about our son Matthew, shortly after his return home. The kind things you said touched me a great deal. Matthew has spoken highly of you and I believe you have also had an influence for good on him. One thing I appreciate is that he has come home with an appreciation for serious music that he didn't have before, and I think you helped reinforce that interest. I learned to love the music of the masters to some extent from my mother as a small child but to a greater extent as a college student. One little frustration I have had in life is that not many of my children have come to share with me the love of this type of music. It was such a pleasant surprise, when my boys and I started on short camping trip this August, that Matthew had brought along tapes of Mozart and other classical composers to play as we traveled. Before his mission, the music would have been the Beach Boys or some popular group.

Matthew has been away from home now for nearly a month attending Brigham Young University, at Provo, which is about 50 miles south of here. He seems happy and is enjoying his classes and the whole college experience. He struggled just a bit just after he got home because it took about six weeks for him to find a job after he got home. I think it was a hard adjustment for him to have come from a situation where he had such a busy, demanding, and structured life, and then to go to a situation where he had nothing to do. Also his friends were still on missions. Things got better as summer progressed, though, as a man who lives in our LDS ward here offered him some work and as Shawn Bell and others returned from their missions.

I sure love him and have great hopes for him. I think he is quite a bit farther along in his development, spiritually, mentally, etc., than I was when I was his age.

I note the things you describe of your background, as an Anglican, and your conversations with the chaplain on the subject of Mormonism. I can relate to this somewhat having come partially myself out of a Protestant background and being baptized into the LDS church at age 17. To me, the teachings of the Book of Mormon, especially those about the Savior, seem to be a perfectly complimentary extension of the teachings of the Bible. To me, the same Spirit of Truth that whispered that God lives and Jesus was actually my Savior, when taught by my Presbyterian and Baptist Sunday School teachers, also confirms the truth of 3 Nephi and the visit of the Father and the Son to Joseph Smith. I rejoice in the additional insights and understandings available through the Book of Mormon and our modern-day prophets.

One insight I shared with several of my family members recently was about the crucial role of the Book of Mormon in helping people to grow in their faith in God and Christ. (Note in the frontpiece of the Book of Mormon where it says it own purpose to be "... to the convincing of the Jew and gentile that Jesus is the Christ..") My observation is that most people really struggle with faith. I recall as an LDS missionary in Manitoba, Canada, meeting a man who was an elder in his congregation in the United Church of Canada, who in spite of his leadership role in the church, admitted he neither knew of the reality of Christ or really even believed. I think the Bible alone is subject to all sorts of interpretations. It seems often to be understood, even by outwardly good Christians, simply as moral wisdom from another age, with anything miraculous or spiritual dismissed a myth. The beauty of the Book of Mormon is that it is a second witness of Christ, along with the Bible, which cannot be accepted by thinking persons except on its own terms. To be accepted at all, it has to be accepted totally. And being accepted, it confirms all sorts of spiritual things: Joseph Smith is a prophet of God, in the full Biblical sense. God truly does live, because he appeared personally to Joseph Smith to call him as a prophet, and so does Jesus Christ. Christ is our Savior, who both redeems us from physical death through the power of his own resurrection, and cleanses us from the effects of our personal sins as we accept his Gospel and come to live his teachings. The Priesthood, the authority of God to administer the ordinances of salvation, have been restored, as have the gifts of the Spirit, where also were prominent in the New Testament church. And so forth. It seems to me, that for the Book of Mormon to fulfill its God-intended mission, it has to be both a test of faith and a confirmer of faith. I think the Lord designed it so that it could only be believed spiritually, by faith, as opposed to intellectually or secularly. If it were meant to be popular and accepted easily, it would not have such things in the first few chapters as visions, appearances of angels, the killing of Laban justified, chapter after chapter of Old Testament Isaiah quoted nearly verbatim, etc. And to top it all off, the whole book was recorded on plates of gold which an angel retrieved, with no trace remaining. Oh, there are some physical, historical, and archeological evidences, but a person is not apt to come across and appreciate them early in their investigation of the Book of Mormon.

The beauty of this arrangement, or so it seems to me, is that once a person has paid the price to gain a spiritual witness of the truth of the Book of Mormon, e.g., looked beyond the initial shock of what the book contains, read it and pondered its implications, begun as Alma says (chapter 32) to find the doctrines therein enlarging ones soul, prayed, and received the confirming witness of the Spirit, it becomes a great foundation of faith for that individual. In these difficult times, surrounded by skeptics and unbelievers, doubts disappear and faith triumphs. For me, I could then accept baptism and go forward in the Gospel and Church.

The Book of Mormon sustains me today. If I ever am discouraged, I can read in it and my faith is renewed and my spirits elevated. It has anchored my relationship with God and my functioning in life, through happy times and especially through the times of trial and challenge. I hope, as you have continued your quest, you are beginning to feel the same strength from the Book of Mormon.

Again let me thank you for writing and sharing with us your experiences with Matthew and your introduction to the Church.

Spanish Fork's Ensign Peak

On Friday night, at a ward campout, at a group camping area just beyond the little reservoir up above the house where David and Rebecca used to live, Wendy and I were asked to make a short spiritual presentation before people bedded down. (Pictured: an evening view of the valley from near the same camping area, taken Saturday, with Wendy, Olivia, and Jack in the foreground; also, the kids feeding three resident ducks.)

Here is what we said:

[Bob] This setting reminds us of Ensign Peak, the little knob that rises just north of downtown SLC My office was on North Temple I used to run to the top of Ensign Peak and back at lunch (3 miles each way).

[Wendy] Like here, on Ensign Peak there is a better view of the heavens and the stars that God placed there. You also have a wonderful view of the valley, and the lights of the towns below.

[Bob] Two important things that happened on Ensign Peak: 1) On July 26, 1847, Brigham Young and others hiked to the top and dedicated this area as a gathering place for the saints -- a symbol of Isaiah’s prophecy that the Lord would lift up an ensign to the Nations, that his kingdom and temple would be established in the tops of the mountains and all nations would flow unto it, to be taught HIS WAYS.

Wendy] 2) Since there was a no temple in Utah in 1847, Ensign Peak was also set apart temporarily as a place for temple ordinances. For example, Addison Pratt returning from a mission to the South Pacific, received his endowments on Ensign Peak.

[Bob] It has been said that Brigham Young saw Ensign Peak in vision before the Saints left for the west with a flag waving from its top. In vision he also looked out from the peak and saw in the future, these valleys completely filled with homes of the Saints.

Wendy] Mountains and temples are related-- Temples are said to be a connecting place between heaven and earth. Mountains also can get us up above the world and closer to God. We can see the heavens better and we have a better view of what this world is all about. Isaiah called the temple the Mountain of the Lord’s House. As with Ensign Peak, sometimes mountains are a substitute for temples and have been used to administer temple ordinances.

[Bob] Perhaps this Spanish Fork setting tonight can become our Ensign Peak, in which we increase our faith in God, where we rededicate our lives to helping spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ and to have greater reverence and love for the sacred ordinances of the temple.

Update on Grandma Wendy

Wendy has had a really full schedule. To go along with her ward calling a Relief Society Counselor, she has a new assignment in the temple. She has just been installed as the women’s Assistant Shift Coordinator for the Thursday second shift in the Provo temple. She and the new Coordinator, Ruth Bacalla, have been working with the outgoing coordinators for about a month, to learn and take over these duties. There are about 70 ladies on this shift which covers from 11 am to 4 pm. Among other things, Wendy is in charge of assignments which means she produces various print-outs to tell the ladies which posts or assignments they are to be at what time of day. These sheets are currently maintained in an Excel spreadsheet and require quite a lot of update to keep them current and consistent. Last Wednesday night, Wendy stayed up until 3 am working with these charts to try to get them accurate and then was still so involved with the data that she couldn’t go to sleep. But she must have functioned OK and seemed to have a successful first day.

I had lots of temple workers, both women and men, approach me and tell me how pleased they were that Wendy received that assignment, what a good job she will do, and how much they like her.

This calling necessitated that we drop our Thursday first shift, if we are to still travel together. Wendy needs to be at meetings starting at 9 am to help prepare for shift 2. I have arranged to also start at 9 am and just help with the veil until it is time for the 2nd shift preparation meeting at 10:30 am.

The pictures are of Wendy working on apricot nector. We picked the fruit from Matthew and Kim’s tree (a nice crop) as they were in MO and also got quite a lot from our tree. Wendy bottled the fruit (21 quarts)and did nectar (14 quarts) and jam (21 quarts), giving some back to Kim and some jam to Emilie.

The pictures are of Wendy working on apricot nectar this afternoon. Notice that she is soaking her right big toe at the same time she is making nectar. Also she is wearing a heart monitor with an accompanying cell phone that sends in data constantly to someplace. In addition to all of the Relief Society, Temple and family stuff, she had two doctor’s appointments Wednesday. She needed a podiatrist to work on an ingrown toenail, plus she got set up with a Holter test of her heart for two weeks. She occasionally has some different rhythms, and is getting some help to try to understand what is going on.

Forgiving your parents and losing your entitlements

Through long observation and reflection, I have come to believe that harmonious and peaceful extended family relationships are best achieved when we as adult children forgive our parents and lose our sense of entitlement in our relationship with our parents. It seems to me that this is a mark of having achieved psychological and emotional adulthood. We need to forgive our parents for their imperfections.

It is typical for younger children to see perfection in their parents. As we approach or enter adolescence, we begin to recognize that they have some imperfections. Sometimes this is quite disillusioning. In some cases, children then dismiss parents as irrelevant. In a sense this kind of thinking is a continuation of childish “black and white” thinking patterns. A sign of the achievement of psychological adulthood is when a young (or old) person comes to a realization and conviction that his or her parents did the best they could in their raising of that person and it was good enough.

A few years ago Eric Berne published a book of popular psychology entitled “Games People Play" that included a simple but useful way of thinking about happy and effective relations of grown children to their parents. He proposed three personas existing within each of our personalities–our inner child, our inner parent and our inner adult--any one of which can be active. This suggests three harmonious sets of two-person relationships, parent-to-child, child-to-parent, and adult-to-adult. While it is not inappropriate for us to let our inner child have expression at times, and some situations naturally require us to assume a parental role, adult relations are generally most satisfying when the “inner adults” for both parties are active and dominant in the interaction. This is the adult-to-adult relationship. Generally this latter type of relationship implies that the parties are equals, that there is open communication and mutual respect, that decision are consensual, each is able to take an adult’s responsibility, etc. Child and parent relationships have one party more dependent, the other superior or having authority, responsibility, or resources the other needs or wants. There may exist agendas in the latter party that are not or cannot be fully shared. Strategies for each one influencing the other party may be less open.

The child-parent kinds of relationships are appropriate when circumstances dictate, e.g., when children are children and when adults are their parents, or perhaps when an adult becomes sick or incapacitated. Adult functioning requires us to allow another to function as an adult as much as possible but also to step into a parental role when necessitated by another’s situation.

Sometimes we see dysfuntional child and parent relationships. There are parents who will not let their adult child grow up. Worse, there are grown children who still want to be a child when relating to a natural parent. As a part of growing up, we ought to aspire to an adult-to-adult relationship with our parents and hope it will last many years before, perhaps, we need to become the parent. We should rejoice when we achieve an adult friendship with our parents and take this as a badge of our adulthood.

Considering further the situation of a chronological adult continuing to play a child role in relation to their parent, some people carry into their adult years a harmful sense of continuing to be entitled to particular favors, treatment, attention, privileges, resources, etc., from their parents. In relationships, an entitlement can be defined as a sort of emotional (or other kind of) debt that one feels is owed to them by another person by some sort of natural right. Often such entitlements are assumed, and not spoken, and may not even be fully or consciously understood. People would generally agree that parents owe certain things to their children, such as love, protection, opportunities to grow, temporal provision, etc. However, maintaining these kinds of (typically unspoken) expectations in an adult relationship setting can be a cause of much grief. For example, in dysfunctional marriages there sometimes is an expectation by one partner that “If he/she loved me he/she would know that I need [a particular response or action]. I shouldn’t have to tell him/her.” Or, a grown child may feel entitled, from their parents, to a certain kind of gift, particular actions toward their children, specific financial benefits or inheritances, etc. Hard feelings, anger, alienation, etc., often result when such expectations go unmet. It is better in adult relationships to focus on what you can do for the other person and to not have large expectations about what one can or should receive. Then a person can be genuinely appreciative when a gift is received. It would be well for me to conclude, when arriving at adulthood, that my parents have given me what I needed to reach this point in life and I do not really need them to give me more.

Therefore, to help loving and satisfying relations to exist in families across generations, grown up children need to find forgiveness in their hearts for any imperfections that their parents may have possessed. It is inappropriate and self-defeating to hold others to a higher standard than you hold yourself. Also, grown children should drop their entitlements, their unspoken, uncommunicated sense that their parents still owe them something. Such feelings are destructive to family relationships. As a better alternative, as grown children we should work toward and relish a mutually satisfying adult-to-adult relationship with our parents to the extent and for the longest duration possible.

Teaching the 11 year olds at their summer camp

Council Summer camp for our 11-year-olds got cancelled so Sister Allen develop one at her own backyard (and little farm). Ward members helped her with the program (July 20-21). I did two presentations, one on Citizenship and the second on "No Trace Camping" The latter was quite fun. We marched to an imaginary camp and set it up (200 feet away from water, and setting up waste disposal, etc. , using Leave No Trace principles.

Nathan employment

With Nathan’s permission and support, Matthew, Emilie, Scott and I have prepared a cover introduction to his employment resume, with the idea of distributing these through our three Spanish Fork and Mapleton stakes. Our thinking is that this method may identify some added options for employment, that don’t seem to be known by Voc Rehab or regular job search channels.

Thanks to Valerie for the picture. Handsome guy, isn't he?

At the cabin, July 5-10

This week at the cabin we had about everyone in our family part of the time. Nathan and Gloria stopped by Tuesday, returning from an anniversary camping trip at Jordanelle. Valerie and the three younger boys were there all week. Angela brought her three youngest up for the day Wednesday. Alison brought 6 for a couple of days. Emilie and all her kids came Thursday and stayed until Friday night. Matthew and Kimberly and all came Friday morning and stayed until Saturday.

It was cool at night, and there were afternoon thunderstorms every day.

Some highlights:
--Fishing (twice) at the pond by the Wasatch State Park Information building: All of the kids who fished caught something, about 20 in all. All of the fish were pan-sized except Jeremy pulled in a whopper Rainbow, 17 inches long and weighing a pound and a half. There was a lot of interest in cleaning the fish and Trenton was even brave enough to try it.

--Picking flowers

--Hikes

--Apple Pancake eating contest Friday morning–winners tied with record 17: Justin and Jonathan. Note Jamison’s look, presumably about the time that he dropped out of the competition.

--Erin celebrating her 14th birthday Friday

--Lots of playing and visiting

--Admiring the scenery and the clouds